Some Words For Women Who Aren’t Sure If Motherhood Is For Them

[caption id="attachment_836614" align="alignleft" width="1068"] Bigstockphoto.com/African American mother and child having fun spending time together in a park[/caption] If you’re a woman who isn’t sure whether or not she wants children, you’ll probably be faced with some frustrating and confusing conversations. When you state, at dinner with your friends or family, that you don’t know if you want kids, people might stop talking and put down their forks for a moment. Without realizing it, your friends and family subconsciously always assumed that one day you’d be a mother. They only realize it now, when your announcement takes them back. And when people are taken by surprise, they can say some pretty dumb things. But, you have plenty of your own questions and confusing thoughts, so you really don’t need anyone adding to those. Too bad; they will. Here are some words for women who aren’t sure if motherhood is for them. [caption id="attachment_702267" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

People will say you’ll change your mind

Some people will dismiss your uncertainty around motherhood, give a little wave of the hand in your direction (as if they just sent the maternal instinct your way) and say, “Meh. You’ll change your mind.” This will be annoying, since you didn’t even make up your mind yet, and because this person is assuming all women, at some point, must want children.           [caption id="attachment_701340" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

For some people, it happens overnight

If you worry that, if you don’t want kids now, you probably never will, just know that for some women, it happens overnight. It's almost like a bug bite, but it’s the baby bite. You could very well wake up one day, and feel a switch has turned on in you—you’re ready to have kids.           [caption id="attachment_715316" align="alignleft" width="429"] Shutterstock[/caption]

For others, it’s a slow-burning need

It’s important that you know the urge can happen overnight, since you probably have a lot of friends who say things like, “I’ve always wanted to be a mother” and “I’ve known since I was a little girl that I wanted to have children.” Yes, some women have the urge from a young age and it just grows and grows. But if you’re not one of them, that doesn’t mean you’ll never want kids. Again, you truly may never want children, but don’t think there is just one normal way or pace of knowing.         [caption id="attachment_710505" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Nobody knows what they’re doing, by the way

If your hesitation about having children is that you wouldn’t know how to raise them, just so you know—nobody knows what they’re doing. Even the parents who read every parenting book, take every parenting class and meet with every counselor before having children can still wind up with a totally troublesome kid who starts drinking and sneaking out of the house at age 13. Don’t let anyone fool you: nobody knows what they’re doing.         [caption id="attachment_710487" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

If your mom drove you nuts, you could still be a good mom

You might worry about being a mom because, well, you couldn’t stand your mom. Maybe, you still can’t. You don’t want to produce a person who would feel the same way about you that you feel about your mother. But there is really no exact math to those things. Some women, for example, have wonderful relationships with their mothers, and horrible relationships with their daughters.         [caption id="attachment_699977" align="alignleft" width="468"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

You can still feel perfectly fulfilled without them

You can still live a full life without children. Children provide an opportunity to challenge yourself, to live for somebody else, to make sacrifices and to give and receive a lot of affection. But there are thousands of activities in the human experience that provide those dynamics, too.                 [caption id="attachment_608722" align="alignleft" width="436"] Corbis[/caption]

In fact, your marriage may be easier

A lot of divorced couples say that their marriage started to fall apart when they had children. I’m not saying that having children always ruins a marriage, but if you and your partner are on the fence about kids, and are already over-the-moon satisfied with your life how it is, that’s something to think about.           [caption id="attachment_702522" align="alignleft" width="419"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Your friends with kids will come back to you

One of the reasons you may consider having kids is to join the moms club. Right now, a lot of your friends are having children. You feel left out of conversations. Nobody invites you to the jamboree. You truly feel like an outsider. Just FYI, time will pass, and in five to ten years, these friends will go back to being the old friends you used to know. So don’t procreate just to reconnect with your friends.         [caption id="attachment_704920" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Just because you’d make a good mother doesn’t mean you must

A lot of people may say things to you like, “But you’re so responsible, so loving and so nurturing—how can you not have a child? You’d make a great mother!” Well, to them I say that those qualities—responsible, loving and caring—are not only useful in the capacity of motherhood. I’d also like to say that plenty of women who seemed like they wouldn’t make good mothers really get their act together after having children. Sometimes, pre-baby personality traits are no indicator of what someone will be like as a mother.       [caption id="attachment_626166" align="alignleft" width="453"] Corbis[/caption]

Some people will think you’re trying to be “different”

Some people might assume you’re just trying to be a rebel, to be different, and to stand out. That’s a rather antiquated opinion, on their part. If someone thinks that your lack of a desire to have kids makes you a rebel, that person belongs back in the 1930s.           [caption id="attachment_608142" align="alignleft" width="420"] Corbis[/caption]

Some people will think you’ve been hurt or traumatized

Some people will assume you don’t want to have kids because your parents were abusive. This assumption is painful if it’s true, and painful if it isn’t. If it is true, you don’t appreciate other people reminding you how deeply this experience could have affected your adult life. You deal with that on your own already. If it isn’t true, you don’t appreciate the suggestion that your parents—who did not abuse you—abused you.         [caption id="attachment_717973" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]  

The right partner should come first, anyways. Then kids. Maybe.

It can actually be worrisome when a single person is on a mission to have children. This will often shade their perspective on potential partners. Let’s just say it: they may choose the right dad for their imaginary children, but not the right partner for their life. This, of course, can cause problems down the road. Look for the right partner for you. Look for the freaking love of your life. And then see if and how children fit into the equation, with that person. That’s the only person you should be reproducing with.     [caption id="attachment_713184" align="alignleft" width="421"] Shutterstock[/caption]

You’re not cold and heartless

Don’t be surprised if some people start making jokes about how you don’t like hugs, you don’t want any responsibility, and you’re just plain cold and heartless because you don’t want children. There are some people—women included—with the deeply sexist idea that if a woman isn’t a mother, she must not care about other people.               [caption id="attachment_609097" align="alignleft" width="369"] Image Source: WENN[/caption]

A lot of great women never had kids

Oprah Winfrey, Anna Holmes, Chelsea Handler, Liza Minnelli, Betty White, Margaret Cho and Diane Sawyer never had children. To name a few. Just saying. They don’t seem to be miserable.                         [caption id="attachment_702384" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

You can still take care of people

You can absolutely still share your love and affection without having children. There will be plenty of people who will need you in this life, from friends (who are struggling with raising their own children) to family to colleagues. If you open up your hands, you will have your hands full with helping people. Don’t worry about that.

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